Family: Ihsan (Excellence) with Difficult Parents

Assalamu alaikom,

Considering I’ve just began my letter with “Assalamu alaikom”, thus I hope , by Allah’s mercy, that peace prevails over all the negative emotions I may hold in my heart that should not be there.

Without further ado, I am really desperate for an advice to this familial issue, one which I couldn’t approach anyone else to avoid problems/backbite/gossip and the spread of negativity. So, I’d really appreciate your help.

My mother is a good woman but she is very negative. She sometimes insults me when I try to advice her about her negativity. I would usually excuse her, since she has a lot to carry on her shoulders. I can only imagine the burden she is carrying as a mother.

One incident crushed my heart. One day, she asked me to behave in a certain way for a special occasion so that I don’t shame her in front of her friends. When I refused to do so, once we got back home, she screamed at me together with one of my siblings. That particular sibling never made me feel like we are related. But I don’t harbour any ill-feelings because that person is my family.

But I cried, and I cried like I never cried before. I hurt my gut from crying so much. But what hurts me more is my inability to think positively and my lack of wisdom on how to react. I simply felt helpless.

I didn’t want to make this as long as this, so I apologize for your time. I only wish to know the right way of dealing with my family with “Ihsan” (excellence in character).

I try to love my mother and my brother because I believe that the more I try to love them and be patient, the more likely it will be for us to love each other. Even if it looks impossible, I still believe it because I believe in God’s mercy and wisdom.

Thank you very much.


Waalaikumussalam warahmatullah wabarakatuh.

May this email finds you in a good state of Iman and in a good state of health. Ameen.

I cannot say that I understand what it is like being in your shoes. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you. I pray that Allah give you strength in these trying times. Ameen.

Having said that, I admire your effort to remain positive. In the midst of all that you are going through, you still try to think positive about your family, especially about your mother. That is not something that you should overlook. It is not easy to be positive in a negative situation, but you tried and at some level, you have succeeded.

However, there is only so much a person can take. Nobody should face difficulty alone. In fact, you are not alone. There are people out there who are willing to lend you a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. These people are worthy of being called your friends. You need them in your life.

Even the Prophet was not alone when he faced challenges, and he has faced many, many challenges in his lifetime. The people close to him made those challenges easier for him to face. On top of that, he had Allah by his side.

Trust me, you have Allah on your side as well.

Don’t think for a second that Allah hasn’t noticed that you are trying your best to be the best daughter to your parents and the best sister to your siblings. Allah knows all that you do and He is fully aware of the burden you are carrying.

Allah doesn’t reward a person based on the results, but based on the sincere efforts a person makes. So keep on doing what you are doing. Keep on trying and never give up.

Never fight fire with fire. Never fight negativity with more negativity. Stay positive by being around positive people (the friends I mentioned earlier). They can be your much needed social support. Again, you are not alone in this endeavour. I am sure that there are people out there who can relate with you directly. If not, at the very least they can be there for you when you need them the most.

At the same time, try your best to maintain good relationship with Allah. Remember, He is the one who holds the key to all hearts. He is the one who is capable of changing hearts. So turn to Him for ultimate assistance. Turn to him in repentance and in prayer.

Allah listens and He never forget.

The key here is to do your best. Try to find a way to get into their hearts; a way to get the message across effectively. I can imagine that I will take a great deal patience and wisdom, but I believe you can do it.

Allah will never burden someone with something more than he or she can bear. The fact that Allah is testing you with this test is a testimony that He knows that you have what it takes to face this test, and to succeed in the end (Insha Allah).

Again, you don’t have to face this alone. There is nothing wrong with seeking help and support from people when you need them. Even the Prophet sought help and support from his wives and companions when he needed them.

Lastly, hold on to the rope of Allah. Let Him be your source of strength. With all your best effort, don’t forget to pray to Him and to ask Him for the change that you hope for in your family.

I hope that those few words mean something to you. I apologize if I have said something that I shouldn’t have. My intention is never to belittle your problem, to trivialize your pain, or to offend you in any way.

I am here, as your brother in faith, to help you the best I could.

May Allah grant you strength and success. Ameen.

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