Tuesday, November 03, 2015

5 Bad Reasons to Get Married

  1. Your friends got married and you don't want to feel left out. Marriage isn’t like your school field trip, where you go only if your friends go. You should have your own stand in the matter, as opposed to following the trend. You are already an adult after all, so you should be able to weigh in the good and the bad in order to make a decision yourself. Plus, just because your friends get married doesn’t mean you should either. Maybe your friends are ready to get married, but you aren’t. Yet. Like fruits in a tree, they don’t all ripe at the same time. So you can’t pluck a fruit before its time. Be patient.
  2. You want to make your parents happy, by sacrificing your own happiness. It is truly a noble goal to make your parents happy. But with all due respect to our parents, we are the ones who will be living with our spouse, day in and day out. If we don’t want to be in that relationship to begin with, then that could open up so many doors for bad things to happen. Plus, it is a bit ironic to think that your parents will be happy with you being unhappy. I believe any parent would want to see their children happy. So discuss with your parents and find a common ground where both parties can be happy. You don’t want to fake a smile during your wedding day. Don’t turn your life into a typical TV drama.
  3. You can’t control your sexual desire. This usually applies to men, but I have encountered women who have this problem. It is understandable that some of us might think that marriage will solve our inability to control our sexual desires. But that’s technically what marriage is for. Marriage is not the place where you can satiate yourself sexually whenever you want. No. If you can’t control yourself, then you should stay away from marriage because you might oppress your spouse with your untamed desires. Even in a marriage, there are times when it is inappropriate to have intimate relationship, like when your spouse is sick. Marriage is not for people with uncontrollable desires.
  4. You feel lonely. Yes, you will gain a loyal companion when you get married. In a way, it is one of the things that many of us want to find in a marriage. However, that loyal companion, just like you, is a human being. He or she cannot fulfil your loneliness all the time. Just like with any human relationship, there are times when you have to separate, whether temporarily or permanently. To expect your spouse to fill in that lonely void inside of you would be to expect too much. Learn how to find peace with being by yourself, then you know how to live peacefully with someone else.
  5. You are old enough. What does age have to do with it? Just because you are of a certain age, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are ready for marriage. Readiness for marriage may or may not come with age; it depends on the person. Age and maturity is correlated, but it is not causally related. A person can be 30 or 40 years old but doesn’t have the necessary readiness to hold the responsibility of marriage. On the other hand, a person can be young but mature enough to be a husband and a father, or a wife and a mother.
The reasons I have just listed won’t guarantee failure in a marriage. If you are already married and you got married because of one of the reasons mentioned, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is doom to fail. Don’t take the word of someone with 2 years of marital experience to that extent. Take it with a grain of salt, and perhaps a pinch of pepper just to spice things up a bit.

Your reason for marrying someone can change, even if you are currently in a marriage right now. It can change if you want it to change. That depends on you. If you think that the reason you created for marrying the person is not good enough, then you can certainly change it into something that is.

On the other side of the coin, just because you begin your marriage with a good enough reason doesn’t necessarily mean that you are off the hook. You still need to renew and remind yourself constantly of that reason. Once you forget and once you let your guard down, that reason can slowly fade away and perhaps be replaced with another reason.

So what would be a good enough reason to get married? The reason you marry someone will form the foundation of that relationship. That foundation will need to withstand so many challenges and obstacles that come your way, and it needs to withstand it for a long, long time.

We enter into a marriage with the intention that we are going to spend the rest of our lives in that relationship. “The rest of our lives” can be days, months, years, or even decades. Ideally, we are shooting for the longest time possible, as long as we are still living. So, although the time we have with our spouse is uncertain, but we hope it would last for a very long time.

In order to achieve that, we need a strong foundation. The strength of that foundation depends on the question “why”. Why do you want to marry that person? Obviously, there can be many possible reasons why we enter into a marital relationship, but right now we want to focus specifically on that one main reason.

That one main reason will be the foundation. If it is strong, it can endure all the tough times that are waiting ahead. It is not a question of if tough times happen, but it is a question of when. Marriage will test your character in ways nothing else can. It will truly push you to your limits.

So before rushing into making a decision to marry a person, take some alone time to think and reflect on the core reason why you want to get married.

Find a reason that can withstand tough times, such that you can reliably hold on to it when you fight with each other, when you start to notice annoying habits of your spouse, when you worry about the bills, when your child is driving you crazy, when you disagree with your in laws, and so many other situations that can shake the foundation of a marriage.

In these tough times, you can always turn back to your main reason, your main intention, and remind yourself of that reason. If that reason is worth fighting for, then you will persevere. Because if that reason is big enough, then any challenge and obstacle will look comparatively small.

Find a reason that is not temporary, such that it doesn’t fade away with the passage of time. Things like beauty, wealth, lineage, fame, and the like are temporary. They fade away with time.

Find a reason that is worth living the rest of your life for. Better yet, find a reason that has a longer life than you. Find a reason that you can take to the grave and beyond.

That, would be a good reason to get married.