Aiman Azlan

Motivator

Vlogger

Author

Freelancer

I'm Aiman Azlan,
Motivator, Vlogger, and Author
from Perlis, Malaysia.

I have rich experience in youth engagement, both online and offline. I am passionate about social issues involving the local youth community. In 2015, I founded Aiman Azlan Academy to empower the youth with sustainable self-confidence through effective communication skill.

What I Do
Motivational Speaking

Engaging the youth, locally and internationally, through motivational speaking programs of various format, such as talks, forums, and seminars.

Training

Teaching communication skills, like vlogging, English speaking, and public speaking, through one-to-one or small group workshops.

Vlogging

Sharing thoughts and answering questions in video form on Youtube and Facebook, touching upon relevant youth topics of today.

Writing

Writing motivational and self-help books about various youth topics, such as self-confidence, identity, love, education, career, and community.

Social Media Advertising

Producing advertisements for products or services through social media copywriting and videomaking. Managed by Gushcloud.

Proofreading

Reading and making grammar corrections for final year project papers, theses, resumes, CVs, and other student-related writings.

Polygamy is Unfair

Assalamualaikum.

I have a question about polygamy.

When I read on how to have a good family in Islam, it is said that women have to be presentable and adorn themselves all the time, take effort and time to beautify themselves, to always meeting their husband's needs. If not, their husbands will shift their attention to other more attractive women out there.
While men, it is in their nature to always notice beautiful women so it is not them to be blamed. Plus, they have this right of polygamy, and often cases that I heard, they get married when they're bored with their first wives. What is this? Why do men think of women as just one option, with back up options in mind. They can find another women and get married again whenever they like.

Why are only women who need to struggle more to make marriage work?

I feel even more disgusted when I witness this from some male public figures. Thus I've been thinking of this for a long period of time already, and most of my girlfriends are the same. In this modern world, we feel oppressed, not physically but rather mentally and emotionally. Yes we are.

Thank you so much for listening. I'm looking forward to your response.


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Waalaikumussalam warahmatullah.

Thank you for emailing me and for your willingness to share with me something deeply personal to you. I appreciate it very much.

About your question of polygamy, I am going to answer from one man's perspective. So, I hope you can keep in mind that my answer is not necessarily applicable in the general sense. But I have a feeling that you would like to hear it from a man, so that is probably why you emailed me.

I would like to note that I won't touch upon the Islamic legalities (fiqh) side of polygamy because it is not my area of expertise. Here, I would only touch upon the human psychology behind it. Polygamy can't be discussed without taking into account the human psychology that underlies it.

Polygamy is a complicated topic that, unfortunately, has been simplified by male public figures and it has coloured the perception of the masses regarding it. But, having said that, I have to point out that not all men hold the same opinion about polygamy. Not all men will simply look to find another wife when they have problems with their first wife.

Marriage is not a one-sided relationship. The husband and the wife must work together to make marriage work. It is the responsibility of both to make marriage work. For example, just as the wife is asked to adorn herself for the husband, the husband should take care of himself for the wife as well. He shouldn't think that the wife has no desire to see him well groomed. Just as he has that desire, the wife has it too.

Difficulties are the nature of marriage; no marriage is easy peasy. Marriage will not be successful automatically. It takes patience, perseverance, understanding, and a lot of listening to create a functional and a happy marriage. Shame on the man who leaves his wife to do all the work. It is not enough for a man to simply provide for his family physically i.e. food, shelter, clothing. The man has to also provide for his family emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.

That is only for one family. Imagine if he has four.

It is true that men love women. I don't think that is a mystery anymore. But I don't think that should be used as an excuse to do polygamy. Polygamy in the Quran isn't mentioned in terms of fulfilling the man's sexual desires. Polygamy in the Quran is mentioned in terms of fulfilling the woman's rights. The Quran ordered the men to be just in treating all of his wives, and if they can't be just then they should just marry one woman (refer to Surah an-Nisa, verse 3).

Thinking of it this way, the way that the Quran portrays polygamy to be, men should be more afraid than excited. It is such a huge responsibility to practice polygamy. That's probably why you don't see polygamy being practiced that widely, because not all men are well equipped to carry the extra responsibility.

Many men joke about polygamy, but most of them are just making jokes. They don't have the guts to follow through. Speaking of men making jokes about polygamy, we can react to it in at least two ways: 1) They are just making jokes so we shouldn't take them seriously, or 2) They shouldn't make jokes about it, because women have feelings. However you choose to react is your choice, but I prefer option no. 2

Think about it. Hypothetically speaking, how would the husband feel if his wife makes jokes about marrying another man?

Men shouldn't make light of this issue just because it is allowed for them to marry more than one woman. Just because it is allowed, doesn't mean that it is compulsory. It doesn't make it their right that must be fulfilled. Like I said before, men should be more afraid than excited when it comes to polygamy because of the magnitude of responsibility that will land on their frail shoulders if they decided to go for it.

Men should always consider the emotional state of a woman when talking about polygamy because it is an emotional issue for most women. If a man is incapable of listening to the emotions of a woman, then he has no business talking about or even thinking about polygamy.

This is just the tip of the ice berg. More discussions need to be done and the discussions have to be more holistic than simply "polygamy is for men to fulfil their sexual desires". No. That is a shallow and an unjust representation of what polygamy is in Islam.

To have a more holistic discussion, both men and women have to come forth to present their views and to listen to each other. This issue can't be dealt with by simply quoting scriptures. Islam is not for robots, it is for humans. So human psychology and scriptural context have to be considered.

But to specifically address your concern, if there is a man who leaves a woman feeling like how you are feeling, then the man has done something wrong. He has done something wrong by all women and by Islam, because he has taint the good name of polygamy in Islam.

For a man like that, if he can't make one woman happy, then how is it possible for him to make two, three, or four women happy? He should just focus on one and make that marriage work, because frankly speaking, he is not man enough to take care of more than one woman.

Little Baby Brother and Big Bad Attitude

Salam.

I have a problematic little brother.

He is the youngest and we (the older siblings) tried our best to educate and nurture him in our own way. When he stepped into secondary school, we found out that his attitude was changing and his studies was declining. Our parent was asked to come to school on multiple occasions due to his misbehaviour. 

We tried to focus our attention on him. We tried to help him with his studies and help him remove his bad attitudes and behaviours. But, he is still the same.

Please help. Thank you.

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Salam wbt.

Thank you for sharing.

I have to be honest: I don't know your brother. So, it is rather challenging for me to give an accurate answer specific to his situation. I can't give a textbook answer because human beings aren't textbook beings. Each is unique.

What I can do in this situation is offer you a few general guidelines:

First of all, the foundation for an effective communication is knowing who you are talking to. Even if we are speaking the truth, the message won't get across if we don't know who our audience is. We can't touch their hearts if we don't speak their language.

Secondly, sometimes what we see is not the real problem. What we see might just be the symptom. If we focus too much on the symptom, then we could miss the real problem. Avoid being fooled by the apparent, because it might not be what you should be paying attention to.

Thirdly, education is the goal but school is not. Being educated doesn't mean that we go to school and doesn't mean that we get straight As. Going to school is one of the methods to attain education, but it is not the only method. Before school was invented, education was already around. So the concept of education needs to be revisited, hopefully that we don't make the mistake of equating being educated with going to school. Maybe your little brother doesn't have a learning problem. He might have a direction problem, meaning that he hasn't found his passion and potential yet. Or, perhaps he already knows what he wants to do with his life, but his choice might not be accepted by the people around him and he might not get the support he needs.

Lastly, never lose hope. Everybody can change, if Allah wills it and only Allah can make it happen. This means that we can't change people. Luckily, that wasn't our job to begin with. Our job is to deliver the message the best that we can, with wisdom (hikmah). Hikmah requires creativity, patience, humility, and a good listening skill - among other things. Focus on that, and not on changing people. That is the power of God, not the power of a human.

Hope that helps.

Allah knows best.

Youth and Love

On Twitter, someone asked me, “Why do public speakers now, when talking to the youth, the topics are the same, namely love and relationship related? It’s like they don’t have any other ideas."

I can’t speak for other public speakers, but I can speak from myself based on my own personal experience speaking to the public, especially to the youth. I don’t have a lot of experience. I’ve only been in this arena for about 4 years. There are people who have been in it for much, much longer than that so I don’t claim to know more than them and I don’t claim to be an expert of any kind.

This is just a simple observation based on a limited experience. Based on my experience, I can see why that question arises and I am sure that the person is not the only one with the question in mind. When it comes to the youth, it does seem like there aren’t any other topics being discussed other than topics related to love and relationship. But that is largely because those topics are demanded from the organizers and the audience.

There were times when I would be discussing with organizers prior to the speaking event about what topic to talk about. As a speaker coming from the outside, I assume that the organizers would know their audience better because they’re from the inside. So I usually ask them to suggest to me the topic that I will be talking about. Almost all of the time, when I ask for suggestions, the topic of love and relationship come up.

It is a demanded topic, because it is one of the most important topics to talk about when it comes to the youth. Especially the topic of love, which is central to the Islamic faith and I’m not talking just about romantic love but just love in general. There is still a lot of education and awareness that needs to be done in that area. I understand that some people might be bored listening to these kinds of topics but there are other people out there who still need help regarding those topics.

Having said all of that, I would like to highlight the fact that there are other topics being talked about by many, many public speakers. I’m pretty sure if we look around your neighbourhood or our workplace or our campus, you will find such speakers who speak about other topics. I, myself, have talked about a lot of other topics like self-confidence, social media, mental health, resilience, and education - to name a few.

But the thing about these other topics is that they don’t get as much hype from the youth community as much as the topic of love and relationship does. In my experience, whenever the topic of love comes about, 8 times out of 10 there will be a jam-packed audience.

Why?

Is it because the organizers didn’t do a good marketing job? Is it because the audience just aren’t interested in other topics? Is it because other topics aren’t interesting? I don’t know for sure. Your guess is as good as mine.

My guess is that one of the main possible reasons why other topics don’t have the same “wow!" reaction compared to love and relationship is because other topics aren’t perceived as being as close, as relatable, and as relevant to the youth compared to love and relationship.

One possible reason for that is because the youth aren’t exploring the world outside of their own world. In their own world, love and relationship are important. It’s close and personal. But if they go out of their world and explore other worlds, then they will see that there are other important issues that are just as close and personal.

Issues like politics, economics, mental health, the environment, the law, government policies, social injustice, poverty, rights and responsibilities are among the other important issues that affect the youth directly and indirectly on a day-to-day basis. These issues are very relevant to the youth, but they need to get out of their classrooms, textbooks, and their own small world in order to see that.

But lets not play the blame game here. We have to focus on ourselves and do our part in order to create a culture of caring for all issues related to humankind.

If you are the organizer of an event, then organize more events that center around other important topics. Don’t judge the success of your event by how many people attend your event. Judge the success of your event by the quality of your content and the quality of your delivery.

In the beginning, yes there will be few people who will show up and fewer people who will show interest. But those few people will be the pioneers of this culture and sooner or later, insha Allah, there will be more and more people who will board this train.

If you are the audience, then make a conscious effort to explore the world outside of your own and find other issues to pay attention to, on top of the issue of love and relationship. Because love and relationship is still an important issue to be discussed.

If you are a public speaker, then expand your reach by talking about other issues that you care about and that you are knowledgable in. If you want to talk about love and relationship, that’s okay too but do diversify and deepen your approach to the topic.

For example, I usually use the topic of love and relationship as a stepping stone for me to talk about other issues because the people are there so this is a golden opportunity for me to trigger their interest in other important issues.

Lastly, for all of us as a community, we have to slowly but surely move away from making these talk events another type of entertainment where people just gather together, laugh and relax. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with laughing and enjoying yourselves in these events, but we shouldn’t make that the whole point of the events.

These events should be a mental, spiritual, and sometimes physical exercise in which we progress in our knowledge, understanding, and daily life application. We should be learning more and more new things about ourselves and about the world.

It shouldn’t be just another event where we attend, snap a few photos, collect some points or certificates, and go home happy because we can update our CV. We should go home with our minds tired from thinking and digesting what’s being discussed and we should have this inner drive to improve our lives in some way because of the event that we attended and organized.

We should be more intelligent because of these events, and not more, well, dumb.

Recent Vlogs

Contact Me

Location

Arau, Perlis MY

Phone number

+6 013 416 4652

Website

www.aimanazlan.com